Watching the Fog Roll Over the Bay on the Six-Year Anniversary of Breaking My Neck
Published on May 02, 2026
Watching the Fog Roll Over the Bay on the Six-Year Anniversary of Breaking My Neck
What a plate of food taught me about getting out of my own way
I didn't remember at first.
I woke up this morning and everything felt off — my body wasn't cooperating, things felt like they were falling apart, I was frustrated in a way that didn't match my normal temperament, and I couldn't locate the source. I got through the morning routine, but I needed to get out to be able to breathe. So I went down to the beach. The fog was blowing across the water in sheets. The wind was moving the trees overhead. I sat there for a minute, and then it clicked.
Today is six years since I broke my neck.
My brain hadn't remembered. My body had. It was keeping time. That's the kind of intelligence you feel in your body. A thought is only an abstraction — a few words — but a feeling is a whole moving galaxy, infinitely large, the universe speaking through you. Your nervous system, your muscles, your subconscious, your cells, all acting in unison to tell you something you already know in your mind and your heart. We can persuade ourselves that we're the ones behind the wheel, but we're really a very small piece of a much bigger working organism.
Anyway. I also got some pretty good news on Friday. I got the job.
I am now, officially, an enterprise AI automation software engineer for a medical device supplier.
And my first thought was holy shit, it happened. How did I get here?
And without skipping a beat I realized — it's no mystery. I was there every day for this three-year journey. I was present. Which is funny, because I wasn't always that way.
But here's the thing. The most important fundamental change wasn't overcoming the injury — the lost sensation, the lack of agency, the inability to move. It wasn't recovery from addiction either. Those were all part of it. It all compounds. But the thing that actually rewired me happened during all of this, and I hope to God nobody ever has to go through it. I want to tell you about how a health crisis and a plate of food changed the way I think and the way I do everything. Fundamentally. On a cellular level.
The first year after my accident was difficult, but I had a lot of support — it was pre-Covid, so my friends could visit. I stayed sober for over a year. Then things slowly came apart — a breakup, my dog died, moved back home and lost my sense of independence. A quiet relapse. A slow unraveling.
As the darkness of Covid descended, I found myself exploring various marketplaces on the dark web — my first big technical undertaking on the computer, well before the software engineering. I did it all in the Garage, my art studio, which I'd rigged with a gantry crane to move pieces around. It turned into a place of dark depression, and I was there every day, physically and mentally.
Eventually I wore my health down from my various purchases and indulgences, and ended up in rehab. I did my time, got out, relapsed, took a crazy trip to Chicago in my van, and ended up in a nursing home. Where — plot twist — I got sober for real.
Not because nursing homes are famously serene recovery environments. Almost every person in that place is a drug addict or had a stroke, and a lot of them are going to die there. They literally hand out drugs to people — you could stay in the loop forever. I got sober because I was sick of running from myself, and because I didn't want to end up like them.
And then, right when I thought the hard part was behind me — when I'd even started an AA meeting inside the nursing home — my body decided it wasn't done with me yet.
My stomach started getting weird almost from the day I got there.
It would swell up. I'd look six months pregnant. Anything I ate felt like an allergic reaction — my face would flush, I'd get hot, my skin would tingle and burn, and the bloat would come in with this sinking, horror-movie feeling behind it. I knew it wasn't anxiety. I knew it wasn't stress. I knew something was systemically wrong with my body.
At first it would just be one night of no sleep and then I could eat again. Then one full day and night of no food, no sleep, and then it would pass. It came in waves. As the weeks went on, the waves got bigger. Two days. Three.
Here's the part I want you to hear, because it's true and it matters: when you haven't eaten or slept for three or more days — and I'm not exaggerating — you start to lose your grip on reality. Your thinking goes. You can't reason properly. You start to understand, from your deepest core, how people actually lose their minds. This is how it happens. This is what breaks people. This is how they end up dying in the nursing home.
And I thought: maybe this is happening to me. I would not let that happen.
At first I considered just numbing out and running from it. But at the end of the day, I was the one who was going to have to sit with the suffering. Through all the difficulty I remember thinking, yeah, this sucks — but Matt, you're a sucker for pain and punishment, you're a masochist, that's something you'll have to work through later. But game on, motherfuckers. Let's do this.
So I got to work. I built my own programming tool to track what I ate and plot it against how I was feeling — nauseous, sleepless, emotionally off, physically off. Everything was a data point. I cut out dairy. I cut out gluten. I did elimination diets. I went to a gastroenterologist who didn't look at me and didn't listen to me. He scheduled an endoscopy, told me I was fine, and sent me home with a prescription for gas pills. I knew in my gut — literally in my gut, in my whole body — that he was wrong. And meanwhile, I kept getting worse.
Even after the accident. Even after addiction. Even after the commercial fishing and everything that came with it — the stomach thing is what fucked me up the most. And, weirdly, it's also what made me.
Because when you're starving and someone puts a plate of food in front of you, every animal instinct — three billion years of evolution pulling the trigger at the same time — is telling you eat that plate. It does not matter what happens next. But I knew I didn't want my life to end there. So I started doing this thing where I'd take two bites, put the food down, wait four hours, and take two more. I still wasn't eating much. I could usually handle bananas and apples and basically anything green — but there are no calories in those, and your brain needs fat.
I was trying to troubleshoot my own body by slowing the input way down so I could read the signal. And it was working.
Eventually, after months of this, I sat down with the nurse practitioner, we put our heads together, and we ordered a sonogram. Turns out I had sludge, stones, and a hernia — the hernia that the first doctor missed with a camera literally inside my stomach. What a gaslighting asshole.
The surgery was supposed to be routine. It was a disaster. They fill your abdomen with gas for the laparoscopic, and my spinal cord injury means my body can't process gas normally. My blood pressure crashed. I'd wake up to people screaming at me, blinding pain in my shoulder, my brain and eyes feeling cold, everything fading out. They transfused me twice. I spent a month in the ICU — no windows, no sleep, no water, no food. Picked up a UTI that went septic. Turned yellow. Back to the ICU. Bed-bound. Shitting on myself every day.
When I finally got back to the nursing home, there was nobody around to help me. I was trying to wash up late one night so I could get in bed, running on fumes, not thinking — and I drove my wheelchair full speed into the doorframe and broke my foot. I didn't go to the ER for three days. I just didn't want to deal with it. I was hoping it was just bruised, not broken. But it really hurt.
Somewhere in all of that — the stomach, the ICU, the broken foot, the months of sitting with a plate of food I couldn't eat — I had a fundamental change on a cellular level. My body was taking notes. I was learning things I couldn't have learned any other way.
It taught me addition through subtraction — that what I'm not doing matters as much as what I am.
It taught me to trust my body over any doctor I get a bad feeling about.
And above all, it taught me delayed gratification. If I want to feel better in the long run, I cannot do this right now. Unless you want to die for 72 hours without eating or sleeping, wanting to vomit but not being able to — you will not do this.
The pain is always there. The suffering is optional.
For somebody who spent his entire life using instant gratification to fill the hole — food, drugs, alcohol, danger, commercial fishing, storms, the next thing, the next thing, the next thing, running from himself every single day — learning how to sit in front of a plate of food while starving and not eat it rewired something fundamental. I learned how to sit with discomfort and make a disciplined choice against the animal inside me. That raging instinct to do something, anything. And once I could do it with food, I could do it with everything else.
That's delayed gratification. It's the single biggest tool I've ever been given. I don't enjoy reaping the benefits of my work anymore — I enjoy the process. I enjoy watching the system come together. I enjoy watching things become more efficient. It's not about what I get out of it. It's about how I feel while I'm doing it, and whether I'm proud of it or not.
That's how I got out of the nursing home. That's how I'm learning Spanish. That's how I taught myself to code on an old piece of shit laptop with no usable talk-to-text, one key at a time, every day, all day. That's how I got this software engineering job — three years later, no days off, no guarantee that anybody was ever going to care. That's how I've done everything.
Nothing I've been able to accomplish is random. It all came out of difficulty — out of doing the annoying thing I knew I was supposed to do, over and over again, even when I didn't want to.
I catch myself assuming other people think like me. I assume they have the structure, the discipline, the framework. And sometimes I get frustrated watching people do the same thing over and over and expect a different result — especially when it comes to addiction or self-harm patterns.
Then I have to remind myself: I've done all of those things. More times than most people ever will. The reason I am the way I am is because of all that difficulty. I'm not better than anybody. I just had a long road, and I never gave up on myself.
For a big part of the six years I've been disabled, I thought my disability had changed my life in every way. It hadn't. My life is the same as anyone else's — work, love, friends, family, problems. The only thing that actually changed was my perception.
I was the one keeping myself small. I was the one holding onto preconceived ideas of what my life was going to look like, and in turn making it that way. I had to do the same shit a thousand times before I got sick enough of it to finally get out of my own way, open up, and let the universe speak without my old ideas shouting over it.
It's like being stuck inside during a storm. The sky is dark. The rain is pouring. You're frustrated. Your skin feels hot. Everything is small and boring and you just want to go outside, but nothing is cooperating, and somewhere along the way you convince yourself it's always going to be like this.
Then you wake up the next morning and the sun is out. The birds are chirping. The squirrels are running around. And your whole reality has moved on without asking your permission.
Things aren't good or bad. They're flowing and changing. The suffering is in deciding they're bad.
Six years ago today, I was face down in North Sea Harbor. Today I'm sitting above that same water, watching the fog blow across it, remembering who I am and what I've been through — and hoping that somewhere in all of it, my suffering can be useful to somebody else.
That's the only reason I write any of this down.
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