Overdue Update

Hey everyone — it's been a little while, so I wanted to give you all an update on how I'm doing.

Things are going really well. My life is getting bigger. I actually just made my first TikTok video in a long time. I don't know if you used to follow those — I used to make these ridiculous videos about the insanity of all this — but I haven't had time to mess around on there like I used to. I wanted to get back on and post an update, because I think it's important for people who feel stuck in a hopeless situation to know there actually is hope.

I've been at my new job for about two and a half months now. In the beginning I was really struggling with imposter syndrome — and honestly I still am. Especially with the state of software engineering and AI right now, it's easy to sit there and go, "Am I doing this, or is AI doing it?" I've dealt with self-esteem stuff my whole life, so when I started, I felt the same way I did my first time in college. Except back then I was a drunk with no tools for processing my emotions or dealing with my problems. Same feeling now — judging myself, comparing myself, thinking everyone here is so much smarter than me, I'll never be able to do this, they know so much more than I do. And that always makes me put in twenty thousand times the effort — which is good, but it's not always necessary.

One day I just checked in with my boss, asked him head-on how I was doing. He said, "You're doing a great job. Just relax." Which is funny, because I'd built this whole thing up in my head that wasn't even real.

I'm grateful I have tools for this stuff now. Before the job I used to spend a lot of time meditating just to keep my head right — I didn't know where my life was going, if all the studying would pay off, if any of the applications I was building were any good. Just this overwhelming amount of doubt, fear, and insecurity. I'd ground myself with breathwork and get some distance from it, but the doubt would still be there.

Here's the thing I keep relearning, over and over: ultimately, none of it is up to us. What happens to us is often out of our control. The best we can do is show up every day, do our best, and leave the rest to the universe — or whatever else you want to call it.

Anyway, that's kind of it. Still figuring it out. Still a little bit of a crazy person.