When Your Body Betrays You: A Journey Through Chronic Illness and Spiritual Discovery

Hey everyone – if you don't know me, my name is Matt Raynor. I'm a wheelchair user, full-stack web developer, inspirational writer, and former deep-sea commercial fisherman. I'm also an accessibility advocate, paralyzed from the collarbone down.

Today I'm writing because I'm facing one of my chronic health issues—one that has left me sleepless, hungry and depleted. Along with paralysis and sensation loss over most of my body, I also deal with debilitating gastro issues. I've recently gotten a handle on them, but it wasn't always this way. From August of last year into mid-March, I was severely ill. I want to tell you about that journey.

Last fall, I started feeling VERY bloated. My stomach would swell up—I'd look six months pregnant. It was intermittent and random at first, but really debilitating. It came with nausea, the urge to vomit (even though I don't have the muscles to do that), and you know, the other end too.

Being the worry-wart that I am, I got a battery of tests done—dairy, gluten, the works. Turns out I had a sensitivity to gluten, so I cut it out completely. Stopped eating bread, problem solved.

Except it wasn't solved. I still kept getting worse, and progressively so. The days that were taking me totally offline were becoming more and more common.

So I went to a gastroenterologist, and he told me—without really taking a look at me or even listening to what I was saying—that I had gas. Just gas. He did an endoscopy, found nothing wrong, and sent me home with a prescription for Gas-X.

What an asshole.

Meanwhile, my condition was ramping up. Now it was full-on insomnia at night, followed by extreme bloating, nausea, fatigue, confusion, and just misery. Every day was difficult. I can't believe I used to live like this.

It did not pass. It just got worse and worse.

I felt like I was an absolute crazy person. I remember thinking to myself, "This is how people lose their mind"—which was a novel thing for me because while I've lived through the insanity of addiction, I've always been somewhat grounded in reality.

The days would stretch on without food or sleep. I was absolutely terrified to put anything in my stomach because as soon as I did, the symptoms would start and the insomnia would kick in. Every time I got sick, I had a policy called "returning to ground" where I would shelter myself by fasting – maybe eating some bananas. From August 2024 to March 2025, I did a lot of just that.

The suffering was so severe that I found religion - Buddhism, in fact. I needed something to get me through the tough times—I couldn't do it on my own.

I started chanting nam myoho renge kyo—something my friend Bridget LeRoy had introduced to me five years prior when I was at the Shepherd Center in Atlanta for spinal cord injury rehabilitation. It's a type of meditation which doubles as a breathing exercise. I started chanting three minutes a day, and it seemed to break the mental loop that I was in. I was attaching a lot of mental anguish to my physical pain. I went from chanting three minutes a day to 30, to 60, to 90 minutes. Then I started adding affirmations and prayers to the universe, to the tao, to my higher power.

It's just so strange how these difficult times can break you or shape you. One of the core principles of SGI Buddhism is "turning poison into medicine." And I was certainly poisoned every day—I needed something to deliver me from the extreme pain I was dealing with all day, every day.

My meditation became my best friend. It was there for me when I was afraid to be around people or unable to pull myself out of the darkness.

While every day was filled with physical torment, I started to free my mind from itself and truly love myself despite everything I was going through. I became my own best friend. I analyzed my thoughts. I removed the grooves that negative thought patterns, addiction, and trauma had etched into my mind over a lifetime.

Everything became a practice. Even my diet. Even the fasting. In my search for health, I cut out everything I found nonessential. It started with gluten, then I began eliminating everything else that wasn't serving me.

Vaping? I used meditation, prayer, and positive affirmations instead of punishing myself. Set a goal to add another hour every day without vaping, and eventually, I put that down. I also quit marijuana because I thought it was helping with my stomach issues—turns out it was making them worse. The weed was giving me vertigo, and you know what? Sober is sober, despite disability and health problems.

Next was Adderall. I'd been on a prescription for five years, and it had caused a ton of suffering in the past. Even though I hadn't RECENTLY abused the script – It's not something you can be doing in sobriety, so I cut that out using the same method—meditation, community, positive affirmations, my connection with my God.

But I was still unwell. I couldn't seem to beat it no matter how much I improved myself. I was getting very disciplined, but I wasn't feeling any better.

Finally, the nurse practitioner at the nursing home where I live suggested I get a sonogram. Lo and behold, turns out I had gallstones. So I scheduled surgery with a local doctor, and not only did I need my gallbladder out—I also had a hernia. The original gastroenterologist was completely off base. He missed not only the main problem but also a hernia I'd been suffering with for years.

The surgery was supposed to be in and out—laparoscopic, you know. But it proved to be far more difficult. I woke up with extreme pain in my shoulder. My blood pressure kept dropping, and I was passing out. I'd pass out and wake up to everybody screaming at me in the recovery room. This was really scary for me but I was reminded just how much I love living and how far I've come.

My body has a very difficult time processing gas due to my spinal cord injury. I get what's called autonomic dysreflexia because of the laparoscopic surgery—they fill your stomach with gas, and my body had an intense reaction. I ended up spending a week in the hospital, two blood transfusions, many more sleepless nights.

I got out and promptly got a severe UTI—had to go back while I was still recovering. Back in the ICU, no windows, no real daylight. Great care, but it's not good for your psyche.

I finally got out after feeling better from the surgery and the UTI, and I promptly broke my foot. I accidentally drove my foot into a doorway at full speed from being fatigued after being in the ICU.

It's been a slow recovery, and I've settled on a very disciplined diet—chicken, quinoa, vegetables, fruit, low fat yogurt, and nuts. Pretty much food where I know the ingredients, things that my body can handle. It's restrictive, but I'm healthier than I've ever been. My complexion looks great, I'm endlessly energetic and productive, I never feel heavy or bogged down. The swelling has gone down in my feet, as other wheelchair users might know about.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that through my struggles—something that I thought was gonna drive me absolutely insane—I not only found Buddhism, I found a powerful spiritual foundation to help me get through all of life's challenges.

I cut out nicotine and weed. I started an AA meeting in the nursing home I live at. I created a professional career for myself. I got rid of Adderall, which was adding profound darkness into my life. I thought I couldn't learn code without it. Turns out I code a thousand times better without it. My app’s have never been better.

All of these addictions we have—even the food we eat—they lie to you. They tell you you're not worth it, you can't do this without me. But it's not true.

Life for me is about addition through subtraction. It's about simplicity. It's about living plainly with humility.

I believe less is more in a lot of ways. I firmly believe that if you can worship your struggles and your challenges as the ultimate teachers—to see the ups and downs not in terms of good or bad but as part of the process—you can truly do whatever you want. Learn from it as you go. Stay present, the future happens right here, right now. That's the key.

Today, as I write this while dealing with another health episode, I'm not afraid like I used to be. I have my spiritual foundation, my community, and most importantly, I have myself as my own best friend.

The poison became medicine, just like the Buddhists say.

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So what's next? If this story resonated with you – or you're interested in where my life is headed next, please subscribe. I have a lot of irons in the fire.

Tech - Spirituality - Reflection - Growth